


All I Want

by Erwins_eyebrows



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, M/M, Makeup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 20:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17086976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erwins_eyebrows/pseuds/Erwins_eyebrows
Summary: “I was just thinking about you, and wondered what would happen if I called…”. Then a very unattractive, uncharacteristic belch.“You must have had a lot to drink.  I doubt that you have thought of me much at all this past few months.”  Erwin’s mouth audibly snapped shut before he could say anything more.  He was supposed to be over this.“You’re wrong,” Levi said softly after a long pause, and that wasn’t fair.  Levi had no right to sound like that, like he was as vulnerable and broken as Erwin.“My phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook, so forgive me if I have my doubts.”“I understand why you feel that way, but you’re all I think about-““Levi, don’t,” Erwin interrupted, hurt burning in the back of his throat.  “You wanted things to be this way.   You didn’t want me anymore.  You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to act like you’re hurt.”





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Because I have nothing better to work on than another Christmas fic.

“Mmrello _ ,”  _ Erwin answered after the shrill ring of his cell phone woke him from a deep slumber.  His face was still buried in the pillow, and he barely even cracked open an eye to swipe at the screen to answer.  In fact, he was so out of it that he almost wondered if he was dreaming when he was met with silence.

 

He shifted in the bed and rolled to his back so his face was no longer smooshed and attempted again, “Hello?  Is anyone there?” He paused. “Listen, It’s...3 a.m., and if you have nothing to say, I’m hanging up.”

 

“Erwin?”

 

“Levi?  What’s going on?  Are you okay?”

 

“I didn’t actually mean to call you.  I’m sor-sorry. I’m just, well, I think I may be a little drunk right now.”  Yes, Erwin could tell. His words were slurred, and each sentence trailed off into giggles.

 

“What’s wrong?  Are you alright?  Do I need to come get you?”  Erwin couldn’t recall the last time Levi had called him, and couldn’t imagine why he would now.

 

“I was just thinking about you, and wondered what would happen if I called…”. Then a very unattractive, uncharacteristic belch.

 

“You must have had a lot to drink.  I doubt that you have thought of me much at all this past few months.”  Erwin’s mouth audibly snapped shut before he could say anything more. He was supposed to be over this.

 

“You’re wrong,” Levi said softly after a long pause, and that wasn’t fair.  Levi had no right to sound like that, like he was as vulnerable and broken as Erwin.

 

“My phone hasn’t exactly been ringing off the hook, so forgive me if I have my doubts.”

 

“I understand why you feel that way, but you’re all I think about-“

 

“Levi, don’t,” Erwin interrupted, hurt burning in the back of his throat.  “You wanted things to be this way. You didn’t want me anymore. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to act like you’re hurt.”  God, that wound was still raw and gaping. It physically hurt to voice it out loud, to rehash this rejection again.

 

“I was wrong,” Levi said hurriedly, breath catching.  “I miss you.”

 

“Why?  Why are you doing this to me?”  Erwin choked back some tears. “Why are you trying to hurt me?”

 

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Erwin.  I just...it’s just-“

 

“It’s just what?”  Erwin ran a hand through his hair as he stared up at his ceiling, the light from the street lamps and passing cars making shadows dance across its surface.

 

“I was at a party, and there was this guy-”

 

“I don’t think I want to hear this,” Erwin muttered.

 

“I thought I wasn’t ready to settle down, but when this guy was hitting on me, all I could think about was how he wasn’t you.  He didn’t have your smile, his eyes weren’t the same shade of blue, his cologne didn’t smell the same…”

 

“But you made it perfectly clear that you don’t want me.  You were quite vocal about all the reasons why.” And it still felt like being dragged over a bed of salt and razor blades all these months later.  Thinking about it now made his chest hurt and tears pool in his eyes. A few of them trailed, unbidden, down his face and into his hair, causing an uncomfortable tickling sensation.  He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes in turn in an attempt to stop the flow.

 

“I can make mistakes.  I’m quite good at them, actually,” Levi said with a hitching breath.  “I can’t help but think,what if?’”

 

“Please, just don’t,” Erwin pleaded as he squeezed his eyes shut.  He thought about ‘what if’ all the time, until he was raw and empty and aching.  The ‘what ifs’ haunted his dreams at night, invaded his thoughts during the day. He was never free of the ‘what ifs.’

 

“I know it’s too late, but I just wanted to hear your voice so badly.  I wasn’t going to call, but then I couldn’t stop myself. Then, I wasn’t going to say anything when you answered, because just... _ hearing  _ you was enough.   _ Fuck!” _  There was a sniffle and then maybe a broken sob.  “And fuck, if you didn’t sound like heaven through all these months of hell.”

 

“Please, stop,” Erwin begged.  “Levi, I can’t handle this.” He had to bite his lip to keep back the sob threatening at the back of his throat.  He tasted blood.

 

“Aa-and then, damn it, I’m sorry, but I wanted to see you.  But no one will let me in the building…”

 

“Levi, what the hell?  You’re here?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been standing out here for about an hour.  I tried buzzing several people to let me in, but they either ignored me or told me to fuck off.  It’s probably for the best.” A long shaky sigh. “I don’t know if I’m really ready to see you or not.  It will probably make things worse.”

 

Erwin climbed out of bed and rushed to the window.  It was pouring the snow. He looked down at the street, and, sure enough, there stood Levi, shivering with hair and shoulders covered in snow.  It was so hard to see that familiar silhouette on the street. How many times had Erwin stood at this window, watching Levi come down the street, anticipating his arrival?  How much did it hurt to watch him walk down that very same sidewalk for the last time all those months ago?

 

“Why?  Why are you doing this?”

 

“Erwin, I know it’s too late, but I needed to tell you.  I love you.”

 

“You asshole.  You’re not allowed to say that, not when you threw it back in my face.  You told me you didn’t love me, that you didn’t want to be tied down to me.  Now this? What the hell?” Erwin laid his head against the cold window pane, trying not to break down, trying to be stronger than he was a few months ago.

 

“I lied,” Levi said quietly.  “I loved you then. I think I’ve always loved you.  But I finally admitted to myself after Hanji’s birthday cookout that one year.  You know, the one where it rained for a solid week before, and there was mud...everywhere.”  Levi gave a watery laugh followed by a sniffle.

 

“You hated me back then.  You wouldn’t even speak to me when we were in the same room.  I have serious doubts than at you loved me then, especially after Mike and I accidentally tackled you in the mud playing football.”  Erwin could remember the indignation on Levi’s face, and how beautiful he was, even covered in mud. He had been nursing a crush on Hanji’s short-tempered college buddy since they had met, but Levi seemed to hate the very thought of him.

 

“I think I hated the thought of loving  _ you. _ ”

 

“Is that supposed to make any of this better?”

 

“Fuck no, it’s shitty.  I never wanted to love  _ anyone,  _ but I didn’t want to love you because you just seemed so unattainable, and then...you weren’t.  Then, I just knew it was a matter of time until you left, but then you didn’t.”

 

“What is your point, Levi?”

 

“I was scared.  Scared that I would hold you back.  Scared of loving someone that much. Hell, Erwin, I’ve never learned to love myself.  How was I going to love you the way you deserve?”

 

Erwin watched as Levi leaned back, stumbling, and tried to see if Erwin was standing at the window.  The dark-haired man waved cautiously, and Erwin finally gave in. This discussion was far from over, and it may never fix what was broken between them, but he wasn’t about to let the idiot stand out there and freeze.  He walked over and push the button to buzz him in.

 

“Get your ass in here so you can thaw out and sober up,” Erwin growled before disconnecting the call.

 

While he waited, Erwin busied himself by finding some dry clothes for Levi and some extra blankets.   He didn’t know if coffee was a good idea, but he found some chamomile tea bags in his pantry that wasn’t expired.  He had just put the kettle on the stove when he heard the soft, hesitant knock on his front door.

 

Erwin opened the door to a shivering, wet Levi, eyes red rimmed and face flushed.  It was difficult to tell if he could attribute the unusually bright color of Levi’s complexion to the cold, drunkenness, or crying.  Erwin wasn’t sure he really wanted the answer. Levi barely glanced up at him as he quietly stepped inside.

 

“Thank you.”  Levi’s voice was soft and quivering with the chattering of his teeth.

 

“I’m angry and hurt.  That doesn’t mean I’m some dickhead that would let you freeze out there.”  Erwin said as he returned to the kitchen. 

 

“A lot of people would.”

 

“Well, I’m not most people.”  

 

“No, I suppose you’re not.”

 

“Go take a shower.  I laid some clothes out for you.  I’m making you some tea. I’ll fix you a bed on the couch.”

 

“Erwin…”

 

“Not now, Levi.  We’ll talk in the morning after you’ve sobered up.” 

 

* * *

 

Levi groaned as the incessant pounding in his head drug him from his sleep.  He wanted to fight it. He was dreaming of Erwin again. It was so  _ real _ he could smell the lavender of Erwin’s laundry detergent.  It wasn’t the best dream, in that nothing was resolved, but any dream about Erwin was good to him.  He fucked up, and he was paying the price, but, god, how he loved Erwin.

 

“Damn,” Levi choked out, squeezing his eyes shut, not wanting to let go of the dream.  He rolled to bury his face in the pillow, but was stopped by the back of the couch. He must have passed out in the living room again.  This has happened more than he would like to admit. The last thing he remembered was leaving the party, walking past Erwin’s apartment building, and staring at Erwin’s contact on his phone.

 

God, the party.  He didn’t want to go, but Isabel insisted, and he never could tell her no.  He sat sulking for a while. Then, after a few drinks, decided that he was going to home with someone.  Then, he found a nice-looking blonde, Ian, maybe? But it was wrong. Thoughts of Erwin kept invading his thoughts.  He shouldn’t be here, talking to this stranger, but with the man he loved. So, he left, and now…

 

“Coffee is almost ready.  You should drink some water and take some aspirin. I’ve made you dry toast and eggs.  Your clothes are still in the wash, so you’re stuck here for at least another hour.”

 

Levi’s heart stopped.  Erwin? What was Erwin doing here?  He rolled over and dared crack an eye open.  There, in the too bright morning light stood a rumpled, sleepy Erwin, messy hair shining golden in the sunlight.  So damn beautiful.

 

“Erwin?  What are you doing here?  Are you okay?” 

 

“I live here, last I checked.”

 

“Huh?”  Levi sat up and looked around.  Well, damn, he was in Erwin’s apartment.  “How did I get here?”

 

“I see,” Erwin said coolly.  Levi watched his jaw clench and posture stiffen.  He got the feeling that he just royally fucked up.

 

“ Erwin?”

 

“You need to eat and hydrate, and, as soon as your clothes are ready, you can go.”

 

“Erwin, wait.  I’m an asshole, I get it, but please tell me last night wasn’t some drunken dream.”

 

“I think you’re being uncharacteristically dramatic,” Erwin snorted and laid a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the coffee table in front of Levi.

 

“Did we really talk on the phone last night?  I really need you to stop being a cryptic smart-ass right now.”  Levi struggled to open the bottle of aspirin with shaking hands. Erwin rolled his eyes and grabbed the bottle, removing the lid with ease.

 

“Why does it matter?”

 

“Because, it felt like you were willing to hear me out.  Because I love you, and I really suck at this emotional shit.  Because I just need to know if you can forgive me.” Levi’s voice broke off in asob.  “I know that I don’t have a chance in hell of getting you back, but I need to know if you believe that I love you.”

 

Erwin stood there in stony silence for a few moments.  To Levi, it felt like hours. If he just do things over, he would make sure that Erwin would never doubt him.

 

“I don’t know,” Erwin finally said.  “I want to believe you, but, Levi, you have to understand that this is the complete opposite of what you told me when we broke up.  I’m feeling a little confused.”

 

“I do.  I do understand.”  Levi could feel his chin quivering.  “I fucked this up so bad.”

 

“Levi-“

 

“There’s days I miss you so bad I can’t even  _ breathe _ .  I don’t know how to fix or if I can fix it-“

 

“Levi, stop.”  Erwin put hand his shoulder.  “You need to calm down, and get something on your stomach before you get sick.”

 

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

 

“Because I love you.  Despite the what happened between us.  Despite the fact I’ve spent the past few months trying to get over you.  Even though you hurt me more deeply than anyone, I’ve never stopped loving you.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Erwin.  You deserve more.”

 

“Yeah, I do.”  Levi’s heart fell to his stomach.  “I deserve you, but only if you’re fully in this.  I don’t deserve just part of you, but all of it.” Erwin’s eyes were so tender and full of love.

 

“But I’m always fucking things up.”

 

“Don’t we all?”

 

“So, what happens now?”  Levi inquired as he cradled his aching head.

 

“Well, first, you’re going to eat something, and then we are going to talk about things.  About us,” Erwin explained calmly. He was always so calm.

 

“Is there an us?”  Levi almost winched at how pathetically hopeful his voice sounded.

 

“That depends.  Did you mean it?”

 

“Of course I meant it, Erwin-“

 

“Then, that’s a start.  Now, come on and eat breakfast.”  Erwin walked toward the kitchen. “I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas,” he said casually.

 

“Small talk, really?” Levi scoffed.  Erwin grinned.

 

“I figured I would let you recover a little before hitting you with the heavy, emotional discussion,” the blonde said, bemused.

 

“I appreciate it, I think.”  Levi ribbed his dry, burning eyes and just looked at Erwin.  “I almost forgot handsome you are. And I’ve missed this sweater,” he teased as he buried himself in said soft sweater.

 

“You always did look good in my clothes.”  There was a flash desire in Erwin’s blue eyes, but he quickly looked away.  “You can’t keep it. It’s my favorite.”

 

This was nice.  This was familiar.  They were happy together before.  Levi questioned why he couldn’t admit to this man that he loved him all those months ago.  Erwin was beautiful and so happy the moment he voiced the depth of his affection. It was early morning and they had been lazily lying on bed, morning light painting the room in soft golden tones.  They had been trading lazy kisses and gently caressing each other’s skin. Erwin’s hand was warm against the bare skin of his thigh, his eyes soft and sleepy. He smiled so softly, endearingly, and just said: ‘I love you.’

 

Levi panicked.  He already knew he loved Erwin, needed him more than his next breath, but had never intended to tell him.  Love complicated things. All this easy affection would change. Levi felt too much too deeply and he was overwhelmed, so he lashed out.  Told Erwin he was a fool. Told him that he would never love him. And left. Left the only thing that he had ever cherished.

 

“Hey, you still with me?”  Levi blinked at the sound of Erwin’s voice and looked over to see Erwin studying him cautiously.  “Where were you just now?”

 

“Thinking about how happy we were before it all went to hell.”

 

“Yes, I guess we were,” Erwin replied sadly.

 

“I shouldn’t have lied to you.  I should have told you then. I should have married you.”

 

“Married?  Levi, you didn’t have to marry me to make me happy.  You just had to love me back. I didn’t care if we never married so long as you were mine.”

 

“But if I would have asked?”

 

“I would have said yes, but you’re all I ever wanted, married or not.”  Erwin jolted when Levi stood suddenly and walked over to his coat. “Levi, What is it?”

 

“I have something for you.  I mean, I got it right before, you know, but I had planned on giving it to you for Christmas.  And I know things are all fucked up now, but I wanted you to at least know…” Levi trailed off and handed Erwin a red envelope.  Erwin’s name was scribbled simply on the front in Levi’s messy scrawl.

 

“What is this?”  Erwin asked, flipping the envelope over in his hand.

 

“Open it, idiot.”  The blonde rolled his eyes and did as he was instructed.  

 

AGREEMENT TO PURCHASE REAL ESTATE was printed boldly at the top of page.

 

“Levi?  What the hell?”  Erwin muttered, flabbergasted.

 

“Remember those loft apartments in the old industrial district that we saw advertised in the paper?”  Erwin nodded. “Well, I knew how much you liked them, but you couldn’t afford it alone. So, I spoke to the apartment manager, and he told me that all the finished apartments had been bought, but they had some that were still being renovated that would be ready later in the year.  I asked if he was willing to sale an unfinished apartment if I assisted with the renovations. He was, so I bought it.”

 

“What?”

 

“For us, Erwin.  I was going to have it ready by the end of summer, but we broke up, and I just...couldn’t.  I finally finished it two weeks ago. I’ll probably sell it, but I just wanted you to know that I had every intention of making a future with you.”

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Erwin choked out.  “I’m so confused. You weren’t ready for me to tell you I love you, but wanted to move in together?”

 

“I never said that my thought processes made sense.  And when you say it like that, it makes me sound like a fool.”  Erwin raised an eyebrow. “Okay, fine, I  _ am  _ a fool, but-”

 

“God, how I love you,” the blonde chuckled humorlessly.  “I really shouldn’t, but I do.” Erwin sighed and pursed his lips together, deep in thought.  “Okay, then.”

 

“What?”  Levi asked as Erwin stood and went to the laundry room.  He came back a few minutes later with Levi’s clothes, still warm from the dryer, and threw them at him.  Levi felt his heart shatter. Erwin was kicking him out after all.

 

“Get dressed.  Let’s go see this place.”

 

“Wait, what?  Seriously?”

 

“Well, if you expect me to move in with you eventually, I need to see where I’m moving to, right?”  Erwin threw over his shoulder as he walked toward his bedroom.

 

“Erwin!  Wait! Does this mean you  _ want _ to move in together?”

 

“I mean, not immediately, but I would like to try us again, and if it leads to us moving in together in the near future…”  Levi rushed over to Erwin and kissed him breathless.

 

“I’m going to make you so happy.”

 

“We’ll see, won’t we?”  Erwin smiled and kissed Levi again.  “By the way, what do you want for Christmas?  I mean, I can’t get you the apartment of your dreams, but I would like to get you  _ something _ .”

 

“You.  You’re all I want for Christmas.”

  
  



End file.
